What Is Trauma? 

Trauma is a bit of a buzzword right now so there’s a few competing definitions on what it is. 

But here we have a crystal clear definition of what trauma is from trauma expert Dr. Frank Anderson, who simply defines trauma as an overwhelming life experience. 

It doesn’t matter how violent the traumatic experience was or even whether or not you see yourself as a victim. 

Trauma expert Dr. Gabor Mate said, 

“Trauma is not what happens to you, it’s what happens inside you as a result of what happens to you.”

And before we dive into how trauma affects us emotionally, we need to set the record straight: we all have trauma. We’ve all gone through overwhelming emotional experiences in the past that affect us to this day whether we’re conscious of it or not. 

But trust the experts on this one, traumas will never go away if you’re not doing the right inner work to lovingly become conscious of them and then transcend them. 

Dr. Frank Anderson and I are not just going through theoretical frameworks.

We're giving simple, practical methodologies rooted in neuroscience. 

So, get ready to take a completely transparent and compassionate look into: 

1. How exactly trauma affects you on both a neurological level and an emotional level
2. What to do when you or people close to you are emotionally overwhelmed or withdrawn
3. What it means to heal the wounded ‘parts’ of you

All You Need Is Love: The Role of Both Empathy and (Self)Compassion 

In all seriousness, your brain actually requires love and compassion to heal from trauma quicker. 

It’s impossible to truly heal from trauma without love — especially self-love. 

Let’s say you experience a bad breakup or you feel extremely rejected by someone, what you feel on the surface is a pang of hurt, anxiety, and insecurity. 

But on a deeper, nervous system level your body feels unsafe.

Feeling hurt affects your brain too. 

How does love fix this? 

As Dr. Frank Anderson says, 

“Trauma blocks love. Love heals trauma.”

The healing power of love can come in two major ways: 

1. Self-compassion where love comes from you and moves to you 
2. Empathy from others who identify with your emotions (co-regulation) 

Empathy from others is a crucial part of healing but what’s even more important is the compassion you have towards yourself. 

You cannot beat yourself up into healing.

Ultimately, you’re responsible for your own inner work to heal and healing needs self-love. 

How do you reach this level of radical self-compassion? 

You get curious about yourself.

You reflect on your past, your patterns, and your behaviors and you get (lovingly) inquisitive about why you do what you do and what specifically triggers you. 

That loving self-awareness is the most important tool you need to not just identify but also transcend the patterns from your past.

Become the loving leader your inner child will follow.

Overwhelmed Vs. Withdrawn: What’s The Difference And What You Need To Do 

Sometimes, the best way to help an emotionally overwhelmed person is to do nothing. 

Meaning, when you see someone going through severe emotions, give them the space to experience those emotions and let it out of their system.

Let them feel their feelings. 

It might seem counterintuitive to stand back when someone is emotionally overwhelmed, especially when our instinct is to emotionally extend help and advice, but Dr. Anderson stresses that the first step is to do nothing. 

Neuroscientific studies have shown us that we’re activated (aka overwhelmed,) the part of our brain responsible for processing information shuts down. 

So, the next time you encounter someone who's overwhelmed and seemingly shouting their feelings, hold space for them. Give them room to breathe, and don't rush to join their emotional rollercoaster. Instead, be the steady ground they can lean on until they calm down.

Your first goal shouldn’t be to “fix” their emotions, it’s to lovingly provide them with safety which will help them regulate.

Psychiatrist Dr. Bruce Perry explains this in 3 steps: 

1. Regulate 

2. Relate

3. Reason

This is the crucial order through which we communicate. 

Have you ever tried to reason with someone who is angry? It probably has not worked. 

You’re disrupting the natural order of communication by trying to reason with them before regulating them.

On the other hand, when we are withdrawn, we need empathy and emotional connection.

Withdrawal isn’t just mental it’s also emotional.

When someone is dissociating they’re cutting themselves off from your attempts to connect no matter how much love you give them. 

Again, they’re not unresponsive because they’re rejecting you, they’re unresponsive because the part of their brain that processes information is shut down. 

Healing Wounded Parts From Your Past 

More often than not, your current triggers and reactions are a result of something that’s wounded you in the past. 

When we talk about healing trauma, we’re not just talking about making peace with the traumatic experience itself — though that is important! 

Rather, you need to focus on healing the parts of you that have been wounded mentally, emotionally, or even physically as a result of that trauma.  

The process of actually identifying the parts of you that need healing is surprisingly simple. 

Every form of communication is either a cry for help or an act of love. 

That means that when someone's actions may appear hurtful or defensive, there's often an underlying intention to protect themselves, a younger part of them that's been hurt. 

We need to be curious about the intention behind their behavior while having compassionate boundaries. 

Here are some powerful ways you can create self-compassion to help you heal past traumas according to Internal Family Systems: 

1. Be mindful of which "vulnerable parts" within you need loving attention 

2. Have tolerance towards the wounded, vulnerable parts of you and learn to be "with them" 

3. Step into a compassionate and wise Inner Self that lovingly nurtures your wounded parts

A Quick Review: 

• Emotional dysregulation can show up as overwhelm or complete withdrawal. In both cases we need empathy, space, and self-compassion to heal properly 
• Trauma seems like a complex buzzword but it is simply any overwhelming emotional experience
• You need to be compassionately curious about your own patterns in order to transcend the wounded parts of you 
• When someone is overwhelmed, they need space, a container to hold their emotions
• Past experiences shape our current trauma trigger responses, and recognizing these triggers is a foundational step to healing

Connect With Dr. Frank Anderson

Follow Dr. Frank Anderson on Instagram: frank__andersonmd

Check out his latest book, Transcending Trauma

To get a more in-depth understanding of how to transcend trauma, check out my full interview with trauma expert, Dr. Frank Anderson here: https://open.spotify.com/episode/0afX5tWUjmRLOHARwg7xDm